My favourite HP character is Luna Lovegood, I love loony for daysss. I also heart Dobby, I cried like a baby when he died. You know I thought Snape killing Dumbledore was the most heart-wrenching part, well, so I thought till Bellatrix killed my Dobby. Sigh. Okay, you’re not a potterhead, I get it, but how did you feel when Mufasa died? Oh! You get me now? Good!
This isn’t about the good guys of HP, this is about Draco Malfoy and his burns. I was going through last week, and I came across this article.

The worst Draco Malfoy burns of all time

Draco Malfoy was a total nightmare at Hogwarts: he was awful to Muggle-borns, mean about people less well-off than his unattainably rich family and annoyed Harry every chance he got. Like that time he organised those ‘Potter Stinks’ badges. Slow clap, Malfoy.

He didn’t stop there. Remember some of these most shocking cheap shots?

‘Honestly, if you were any slower, you’d be going backwards.’
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Lmaooo. Damn Draco! Damn!!!

Funnily enough, this zinger to Goyle was actually Harry-as-Goyle, thanks to some handy Polyjuice Potion during Chamber of Secrets. It’s a particularly hilarious moment because while Draco does seem a little bit perturbed that Goyle has forgotten all about the wizarding prison Azkaban, it is actually kind of plausible that he would.

‘Longbottom, if brains were gold you’d be poorer than Weasley, and that’s saying something.’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

It cuts deeply whenever anyone is cruel to Neville Longbottom. Severus Snape, we’re looking at you. Your doe Patronus can’t get you out of this one.

In one fell swoop, Draco manages to prey upon both Neville and Ron’s deepest insecurities: their lack of intelligence, and lack of funds. Draco, this is a total low blow.

‘Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they, but I know I’ll be in Slytherin, all our family have been – imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

How Draco can Draco get?!

Many would concur that Hufflepuff is actually an excellent house, and we don’t appreciate Draco’s shade. Like being placed in the same house as Cedric Diggory could ever be a bad thing, honestly.

‘Yes, exactly. I heard he’s a sort of savage – lives in a hut in the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic and ends up setting fire to his bed.’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Oh, boy. The Draco burns really do come thick and fast in Philosopher’s Stone. Draco’s ability to concisely distill someone into a stereotype – in this case, Hagrid – without taking into consideration their nuances or good qualities – is despicable and we are broken hearted. Team Hagrid forever.

‘You know how I think they choose people for the Gryffindor team? […] It’s people they feel sorry for. See, there’s Potter, who’s got no parents, then there’s the Weasleys, who’ve got no money – you should be on the team, Longbottom, you’ve got no brains.’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone


Some more tactless savagery here, this time managing to insult Harry, the Weasley twins and Neville Longbottom in the space of one breath. Do you think he’s trying to set some sort of weird world record of being the absolute worst?

‘Ah, look, boys, it’s the champion,’ he said to Crabbe and Goyle, the moment he got within earshot of Harry. ‘Got your autograph books? Better get a signature now, because I doubt he’s going to be around much longer… half the Triwizard champions have died… how long d’you reckon you’re going to last, Potter? Ten minutes into the first task’s my bet.’
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Sometimes Draco Malfoy’s burns are so clearly inspired by jealousy, you almost feel a little sorry for the guy. However, joking about classmates dying is definitely not good form.

‘Look at this!’ said Malfoy in ecstasy, holding up Ron’s robes and showing Crabbe and Goyle. ‘Weasley, you weren’t thinking about wearing these, were you? I mean – they were very fashionable in about 1890…’
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Draco was a massive git to Ron at the best of times, but don’t kick a guy when he’s down – not to mention a guy wearing ancient dress robes that looked like they were made at the dawn of time.

We, for one, loved Ron’s vintage look – always.

Draco, you’re just rude. So damn rude mahnnn!

My words in italics, obviously. lool.


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