When I tell people I dealt with this cankerous thing called low self-esteem (for the sake of this post, I’ll call it LSE), they don’t always believe me. Even my close friends didn’t know what I was dealing with ’cause I’m a pro at concealing my feelings and emotions.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane to how I started my LSE journey. I was a smart and brilliant kid while growing up, an avid reader and a super introvert. I always had good grades (except in JSS2 tho) and I had loads of love from friends and family. Things were going on well till I got to senior secondary school and due to family issues, I wasn’t getting the love and attention I was used to and my grades started dropping (well, they never did get to rise again), I still read, I read everything but my books, I lost interest in things I used to love. I didn’t have close friends anymore and I didn’t know how to relate with people, and that was when I got the tag “annoying” (I really hate when people tell me I’m annoying now yh). Seeing as my self-esteem had come from my good grades, it dropped along with my grades, I lost a sense of who I was, I lost confidence in relating with people and in asking questions. I just embraced the “bad grade mimmsss” and remained at the bottom of the class.
Also, I was a late bloomer, no boobs, no butt, no hips and above all no menses (this didn’t come until I was in SS2, I was 14 then) and I had absolutely no one to reassure me that I was normal lol. So I was always feeling odd amongst my friends. I felt incomplete like God had forgotten about me.
And when I started blooming, it was already too late cause the LSE had bloomed already. I became really saucy and always looked for ways to bring people down to hide my insecurities and conceal my deep emotional issues.
It became worse when I got to uni. I never really had enough back then and I always had to manage. I would look at others and compare myself to them forgetting that God made me special and unique (oh God I’m so sorry), I always looked down on myself, I felt I wasn’t pretty and I always felt like a failure. At this point, I began to get my self-esteem from being bad, so I ventured into senseless things until I met Jesus during Foursquare’s teenager’s camp in 2012. Did I change completely and gain a healthy self-esteem miraculously? No. I’d write about that journey in my next blog post.