This is about closure and getting closure. To me, closure is needing answers when things end abruptly without a reason. Like the term implies, it’s an act of closing something. Some people have the ability to do without it, but I’m not so lucky. I’m such a closure person that I don’t like to talk to people when they have low battery or when they don’t have enough airtime, because I don’t like things ending suddenly. When people stop talking to me or when I fall out with people, I always want to know why, I want to always know the motive behind it, I want to always know what made the person do whatever the person did. It’s not just in relationships, but also in friendships. There are people I ought to have stopped talking to a long time ago but because I always want closure, I go back to them and they say stuff and all and I end up letting go and continuing the friendship.
There’s this person I was very close to last year, we were quite close but I knew nothing was going to come out of it. One day we saw as usual and as he dropped me off at my bus stop, I sort of had a feeling that we were done, that we were not going to talk again. I got home and tried chatting him up and he was being off and acting funny, so I told him to chat me up when he was ready to talk to me. Brothers and sisters, till this day, I’ve not heard from him. I almost ran mad initially, not because I was so into him, but because I wanted to know why. I wanted to understand what was behind that, I wanted to know the reason behind it. Like why would you just stop talking to me? And I knew I wasn’t going to message him and I knew he wouldn’t either, so I just had to let go and stop thinking about why.
When my most recent relationship ended, it was really surprising because we had something good going on, it was sweet and wonderful and I didn’t see the break up coming because he was always saying he was incapable of leaving me. So even times we had issues and periods we fought, it always looked like things would never end, yet things ended. Initially it was so bad, I wanted to know why. I mean I was committed to this person and we both made promises to each other, even when we were having issues, I was so sure he wasn’t going anywhere, so I didn’t bother fixing anything. Things became really bad and I just didn’t put in any effort, I don’t regret anything and I certainly do not blame myself for anything.
When I decided to break up, I was very certain it was what I wanted, I thought about all that had been happening and I realized, it was the right thing to do. When I told him, he agreed and that was all. We got talking about a week later, and I wanted to know why he agreed because tbh, the period between when we broke up and when we got talking, I kept on asking myself WHY?! Why did he agree? What changed? Why did he say the things he said? How would you tell me you love me and want to be committed to me this moment and the next moment, you’re not there for me anymore? Why? What changed? (I know you’re probably thinking, “but she was the one that broke up naa”) As at then, I wished he cheated because if he did, I’d have had a reason, I’d have been like, “Oh okay, this is it.” Anytime I ask why, he says different stuff, he blames himself, he says this, he says that, one time he even blamed me. Whhaatt?!. Blah blah blah, I really really wanted closure and the truth is I deserved to have closure.
I always want to have closure, I want to know why because when I’m trying to process stuff, when I’m trying to forgive and move on, I always like to arrange my thoughts and understand things better. I wanted to know why my relationship fell apart, I wanted to know why this persons feelings changed. Was it the distance? What is my attitude? His books? Those Jamaican girls? Bigger boobs? Lmao. A sister needed to know why.
One good day, I had a wake up call and I realized, sometimes you’re not going to get closure, you’re going to have to convince yourself that there’s no reason and life just happened. I had a talk with myself and I realized waiting for closure is not going to lead anywhere because sometimes, you’ll never get closure and life won’t wait for you. Life won’t be like, “Oh she doesn’t have closure yet, let me give her time.” Life would always go on, with or without you. I just told myself, “You know what? I’m going to move on from this.” And from the moment I made that decision, I stopped thinking about him, when the thoughts of him or the relationship comes to mind, I don’t just process it, it goes away immediately and I just got to a stage where I became indifferent, I stopped caring.
I told myself I was going to try to get back together 3 times, it was between the 2nd and 3rd time, that I moved on, but I just had to ask him the 3rd time because I like to complete what I start and for the culture lol. That 3rd time, he was a bit harsh and all and I just told myself, “Look I’m done with this shit.” (I clapped like a typical yoruba woman after typing that). His replies and all he said that night didn’t get to me one bit, it’s just like when someone offends you and you forgive the person even without the person asking. So whether the person eventually apologizes or not, you don’t care. The next day, he messaged me and he apologized and blah blah, said he knows I want closure but he doesn’t know what to say blah blah. At that moment it was really funny to me, and I had a good laugh. I was just thinking to myself like oh boy if only you knew. I’d moved on already, I’d gotten to a place where closure looked so insignificant to me,like I didn’t care.
So now I’m at this place, and I think we should all be at this place, where we don’t have to wait for someone to tell us why, we don’t have to wait for people to tell us why they act the way they do or why they do the things they do. We just have to do what is expected of us. We don’t have to wait for closure to move on, we don’t have to wait for closure to move on from bad relationships, we don’t have to wait for closure to deal with issues in our lives, we don’t have to wait for closure to cut people off if the need arises. Closure is important, yeah, but I think we should learn to deal with stuff with or without it. So if we get it fine, if we don’t, fine. The closure I seek, I may or may not find – but, life goes on.
My colleague travelled to Egypt and bought gifts for us all, she gave the guys “manbags” and the ladies, harem pants. So thoughtful. I love my pants because they’re so comfy. Comfort is key. I always take quite a lot of pictures, where else would I store them but here?!
- Joromi – Simi
- Fargin – Teni
- Not my bae – Tomi Thomas ft Santi
- Don’t – Odunsi (The Engine) x Nonso Amadi
- Mama – Mayorkun