1. Mr. I’m-Dating-Rihanna – I met this guy at a friend’s wedding, we exchanged contacts and started chatting well. Seeing as I wouldn’t like any babe vibing wth my man, I asked him if I was chatting with anybody’s boyfriend. Bobo said, “yes, Rihanna.”
I was like smooth, that he has taste then he asked me the same and I said Peter Dinklage, since it was just bants. We talked, almost hung out like twice, come to my house yarns blah blah, then one day he put a chick up on his profile and I asked who it was, then he tried turning it to jokes like “shes fine abii”, I was sha persistent and then he was like, “that’s bae.” Wawu. But I asked if there was bae and you said Rihanna, and he said, that’s her petname. Lmao. Whatttt??!!

2. Mr. I-Have-A-Car – My colleague drops me off at my busstop after work and I take a bike or walk to my house from there. So this day, I get down from the car and someone begins to honk behind me. He keeps honking like a maniac and that got me pissed off. Like sir you’re packed already, why cant you get down and approach me why choose to be unfortunate and start honking like a retard? I was so irritated so I ignored him, then he started following me, still honking. I entered the street I was going to take a bike from and crossed the road, this idiot started driving slowly, was causing small traffic and had to drive forward, like he was waiting for me in front. I stopped a bike guy and this man had the audacity to bring his silly hand forward to stop my bikeguy when he passed his car, I wanted to spit on his face, but the fear of the Lord resides in me. I looked back to see if he was following us so I would take a longer route, thankfully, he wasn’t.

3. Mr. You-Are-Fat – I needed my assistant to go get lunch for my boss since he said he wasn’t ready when I ordered for mine, but he had already taken permission from me to go for his personal runs. I wanted to wait for him to come back but my boss who by the way is my friend was drumming it in my ears that he’s hungry so I decided to go myself. If I could relive that day I’d have allowed him starve till my assistant got back. None of the drivers were around so I had to use keke. On my way back, I was inside the keke already, one guy sat in front and another came in from my left, the way he entered, he balanced on me, so I shifted and the boy was like “You’re so fat” I was like “sorry what” and the retard repeated himself. I just smiled and faced my front. We later got talking because I’m a friendly person then he now started showing off. He was holding an iPhone 7, he sha mentioned he has iPhone x at home, his car spoilt on the road, this and that yen yen yen. When I was getting down, he now started asking for my number, telling me he entered because of me blah blah. I just walked away. No space for showoffs and loud mouths in my life.

4. Mr. Call-Me – I met this one at E-centre which is the deadest place in Lagos. I was waiting for someone and this guy came to me and told me I could work (he heard me mention having work to do on the phone) and chill at a café. Lit café I think, the place is cool sha. We got talking and he sounded cool, I even used his laptop to check Amazon for rings. The person I was waiting for sha came, then Mr. Call-Me followed me downstairs, we exchanged contacts, more like I collected his number since his phone was upstairs. I called him the next day which was a Saturday and he invited me to one thingy on Sunday, I didn’t have anything planned so I went. We hung out and I was having my suspicions but I was sha observing. One day he called me and the call ended, I was expecting him to call back, but he didn’t. I was now thinking abi this one is expecting me to call him back ni (not like I can’t call back) I just freed. Another time, he flashed me, I thought it was a mistake, then I think he chatted me up on WhatsApp. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when we were chatting and he was like “call me” I was shoookk like no please no nothing, then he tried to make it casual like “call me joor.” So I told him I was comfortable with chatting and since he’s the one not comfortable he should call. I’ve not heard from him since then. I’m not saying he’s broke but even if he didn’t have airtime to call, I feel there were more reasonable ways to handle it.

5. Mr. I’m-Engaged-But-Single – This one is the only one I still talk to. He’s a friend of my bosses, he came for one of our TGIFs and after, he offered to drop me at home. We exchanged numbers and talked infrequently. One time he called me and said we should go out on a date, I was gloating to my boss (the food one) and he was like “just so you know he’s engaged” I was pissed off because I had asked him earlier if this guy was single and he told me to ask him myself. Anyway after he told me, I wanted to free the guy but my colleague was like I shouldn’t, that me knowing he’s engaged is an advantage for me, that I have the upper hand so I can chop his money and just enjoy the dates and all. I sha went on a date with the guy, he took me to this really nice place, Lighthouse Bar and Grill, I ate and enjoyed the ambience. I asked if he was married and he was like, “If I was married do you think I’d be here with you?” Wawu. But you’re almost married sir. Baba was now trying to act funny, “e sir plis take me back to my house.” It was a really long night though, but I sha slept in my house. On Saturday I went to Crossroads and I met this Mr. there again. When my peeps were leaving, he was like I should stay back. Lol, unku I know what you’re looking for, plis sir go and meet your fiancée.

Looking at my list, it’s safe to say I didn’t really meet so many scum guys, more like I didn’t give them any attention. I met a lot of cool guys though. Yesterday, my mother’s neighbor saw me after a long time, I greeted him and he was like, “Oh! How are you,Irish potato?” -_- Seriously, you men need to do better. My Lagos goal for next year is to eat in all the nice restaurants. I’m not even joking, I think I’ll start budgeting 10k per week for fine dining, but that would mean me going bankrupt before the end of January. Maybe my colleague was right, Mr. I’m-Engaged-But-Single to the rescue.

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